Spoons and Hit Points

It’s all about spoons.  Or hit points.  Or room in your inventory.  It could be any of these three concepts you use, or it could be something else, but I’m out of spoons, my hit points are at zero, and my inventory is full. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to put out a full, normal FIRE post this Sunday.  I should still be able to do the regular financial updates, but there’s just so much other stuff going on that, in the words of Bilbo Baggins, “I feel thin… stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

So, to summarise, I’m having to wean myself off my antidepressants because they are causing side effects which are having a significant impact on my quality of life.  I’ve been having intense night sweats which cause me to wake up several times a night.  This leads to constant tiredness and a feeling of just stumbling through life half awake all the time.  However, I’m starting to feel the impacts of the reduced dose.  I was taking 200mg of sertraline, but over the last few weeks, that’s been reduced to 125mg.  There’s a sense of melancholy constantly in the back of my mind.

In addition to this, my back has been playing up because I’m having to sleep on a mattress on the floor.  Our spacious apartment, with a main bedroom, a spare room used as my office, and a large living room area, has now been reduced to a living room with two desks, and a mattress whilst the work on our apartment looks set to drift into a third week when it was originally supposed to take “a week or so”.  This level of disruption would be bad enough for a neurotypical person with no mental health struggles.  For an autistic person struggling with anxiety, depression, stress, and a list of many physical ailments, it all just adds up.   

Speaking of physical health problems.  My arthritic hip (yes, arthritic hip at 38 years old) is causing a lot of pain.  Having to stand up from the mattress which is on the floor is more difficult than standing from a bed at a normal height.  Also, our en-suite shower has been out of use, meaning I’ve had to use the shower in the main bathroom.  However, the main bathroom shower is set in a bathtub instead of a shower tray.  Stepping over the bathtub causes a lot of pain in my hip as well.  So, I’m spending my days in a state of constant physical pain in my back and hip.

A few nights ago my foot was itching, so I scratched.  This was on the instep of my right foot.  The skin then peeled away across an area three-four inches long, and an inch wide, exposing the flesh underneath.  To say it stings would be like saying that a kick in the nuts is a little uncomfortable.  It’s not showing any major signs of healing, despite keeping it clean and bandaged.  Also, it hurts like a motherfucker when I have to put a shoe on.  

This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me” post.  I’m not asking for the violins.  This is a form of catharsis in itself.  In addition to all this, I’m working full-time in a job that can be, at times, very stressful as well.  Today has felt like I’ve been fighting the hydra; each head I’ve chopped off has grown back twice.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully, things will look up.  In order; I need the work to the flat to finish, which the bulk of it should be within a few days, I hope.  I need to get a new bed so I can sleep without stabbing back pain.  From that point, I should also be able to rest my hip whilst I wait for the next calamity.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you’re having a better week.

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